Moving On

      There is something rather comforting about moving on. Even the words "moving on" give me a sense of closure, of resolution even. Last week, yet another of my coworkers announced that he was moving on and his last day would be whenever. Honestly, after hearing the words “moving on” any more I don’t even listen for when their last day will be. For over two years my company has churned out many good people from its ranks, so many in fact that I am sometimes puzzled to still see a full parking lot. But, new people seem to start with almost as much frequency as the people leaving.
      The reasons for the high turnover at my company are numerous and for someone else or even some other time this might be worth reflection. My pondering at the moment is far more self-centered. Each and every time I hear these words I go sulking back to my desk and, for the fiftieth time this year, I reconsider my own employment. "Why am I still here?" I mouth the words staring at my computer screen.
     Not to get too philosophical and all, but at a certain age it seems that many of us realize that the pursuit of the perfect job is pure fantasy. When I was growing up, I saw my dad get stuck in inaction over and over - both with jobs and with relationships. He settled for things I knew there was no way I would tolerate when I became an adult. From this experience, it seemed that one of the rules I made for myself was that I would never simply accept a bad situation. If I had the power to change something, I would. I would never just settle. But, no matter how well this rule had served me in the past, I needed to know if it continued to serve me today.
     Fast forward several decades later, I find that I no longer know what a bad situation really is. This rule had translated into me being one of the first to leave a company at the first sign of trouble. I moved myself and my husband a thousand miles for a job that I ended up hating because I worried that otherwise I would be forced to settle for something less. Sometimes, I did make the right decision by following my rule and sometimes I know I made the wrong decision.
     The phrase “moving on” often implies that someone has either given up a fight or has found some other thing with higher value or fulfillment to pursue. It can also mean leaving behind a failure of sorts. What I didn't feel comfortable with any more was that it didn't seem to be a real choice that I was making. I didn't want to stay just because in the past I would flee. I also didn't want to not stay just because I was afraid I was being reactive.
     The question that stuck in my mind was if just because things were difficult, was that all I had in me? Rather than change the job it seemed that I really needed to change myself. I realized that I actually liked my job just fine when I wasn't distracted by the noise around me or the noise in my own head.
     My moving on was really the opposite of moving on for my former coworkers. I needed to move on and move away from this perpetual need for change just for the sake of it and actually commit to staying.
     Insight does not always lead to people doing things differently, as Freud pointed out, I believe. The dawning of light does not always lead to deliverance. So with that in mind, I have decided to still my perpetual desire to move on and to basically just suck it up.